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Warning: Some readers may find the language and content of this post objectionable. But it's my blog and I'll be objectionable if I want to.

I wrote in this post that I had applied for a position that I eventually was not appointed to.

What I didn't tell you about was an experience that took place just prior to my leaving for TLWTMS in February.

Advisor had forwarded the job description to a number of his students and had encouraged us to apply. Shortly after receiving this email, two of the other recipients of the email, both male colleagues of mine, inquired whether I was going to apply for the job (one by email, the other in person).

In both instances, I joked off the question without actually answering their question because, in the eventuality that I was not appointed to the position, I didn't want my colleagues to know. I was actually quite angry, however, that they had asked me this question in the first place, partly because they weren't willing to disclose to me whether they were applying, but partly because I suspected that they would never have asked a male colleague the same question.

Both colleagues were rather miffed that I wouldn't answer their question and I felt guilty for being so secretive and so suspicious of them.

I've just finished reading Paula J. Caplan's Lifting a Ton of Feathers: A Woman's Guide to Surviving in the Academic World and I'm beginning to think that my feelings of guilt were unnecessary.

In the chapter entitled "Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't," Caplan discusses fifteen "catch-22's" that female academics face including this one: "If you do any nurturing or caretaking - of colleagues, other staff, or students - that work may be invisible or unappreciated, or it can even be used as 'proof' of your lack of professionalism, but if you don't nurture, your lack of nurturing behaviour becomes highly visible, and you are considered a 'cold bitch'" (66).

As I reflected on Caplan's words and this experience, I realized that I had a history of "playing nice" with both of these colleagues, making it a point to tell them about bibliography that was useful to their research or providing written feedback on their work, for example (they have never reciprocated). In Caplan's words, I was nurturing them.

As these two colleagues are planning to graduate this year, I will be competing with them for jobs. And I suspect that they will again attempt to ascertain which jobs I'll be applying for.

I've decided not to entertain those questions, thus, they will likely again be miffed.

But if I'm damned if I'm nurturing and damned if I'm not, then I'll be damned if I'm going to feel guilty about protecting my own interests, too.