My Present State of Mind

On the outside, I am functioning. I am presentable, my classes are being taught, my work is getting done.

On the inside, however, I'm a ball of anxiety.

There is the normal job search anxiety. First-Choice U is my last chance for a TT job for September 2010. If I don't land it, then I'll be on the job market for another year. And while I have a post-doc in hand, it is in TLWTMS, and I just can't imagine that schools would be interested in flying me in for campus visits if the plane ticket will be $1500+.

But the normal job search anxiety is augmented by another consideration.

SLAC is currently conducting a TT search for First Half of the Good Book and my colleague, who is currently on a one-year contract like me and is the inside candidate, was offered the position this morning. While I'm exceedingly happy for hir, it makes me very nervous because the search at First-Choice U also has an inside candidate. (I don't think that my colleague was hired because s/he was the inside candidate. I only mention this to illustrate that schools typically hire the inside candidate.)

I've met my competitor at various conferences and I think that I'm more engaging as a person/colleague and a better teacher. But s/he is the inside candidate for the job and I am not. And I'm afraid that First-Choice U will offer hir the job for the simple reason that s/he is already there (they've already invested a year in training hir, s/he already has experience with the culture of the school, and they wouldn't have to pay moving expenses, etc.).

I am reaching the point where I find myself spiralling into fatalistic thinking: if I don't land the position at First-Choice U, then I will disappoint Advisor, who will never write another recommendation letter for me, so I'll never land a job, and I'll have wasted all those years in grad school, be unemployed, and die a complete and utter failure.

An hour on the phone yesterday with a good friend helped. And I have over-the-phone support lined up for today and tomorrow as well.

I'm fairly skilled at controlling my emotions, so once I get on the plane to the campus visit, I'll be fine.

But for the moment, I'm somewhat less than "completely put together."